what an absolutely moving picture. i cried when i witnessed such a precious moment shared between you and your child.

well here i am again grateful for a place to put my diary where it cant be taken from me. after losing my diaries from my whole life to my x i dont know if i could ever put pen to paper again. i dont know why he was entitled to them wasnt right. 

mothers day. what a hard day today will be but it will be fine.  im feeling good and optimistic and going to get ready for work in a few minutes. but had desire to remind myself of this day in the future. im starting to cry from the pain i feel inside but i realize i must feel it for if i dont i will lose my strength.

one of my only two friends brought something up that i hadnt thought of and it scares me. my x is facing alot of prison time and what if he runs to a place that has no extradition. im sure they took his passport but he has two private plans. i cant believe i didnt tell his p.o.. i never even fathomed such a thing. i need to speed up this process some how im sure ill be able to do it.

well i have to go and do my thing and make the dough.

ciao 

hi harland, im very sorry about your situation. with all those capable bodies you are taking care of(meaning the adults) doesnt anyone work? 

life is wonderful and grand even though it can be so cruel and harsh.

i worked very hard at being good and not vengeful or mean to those that have done wrong to me. and i was right it pays off.  i had almost lost faith in humanity after the last 2 1/2 years of torture that my x had put me through. sometimes i felt i couldnt face tomorrow for my pain was so great and all consuming. after he took my kids  i had no purpose no reason for breathing but the thought of leaving my children without a mother was much more terrifying than the pain i endured daily.

i kept believing that somehow someway god had to make things right. even though many days came and went and i cursed him, screamed and yelled how could he turn his back on me and my babies. i'd wake up in the night (i still do) crying for my children and it hurts but within the next 2 weeks they will be with me. i couldnt see his plan through all my pain. no matter how i tried to understand i just couldnt. i couldnt fathom what i had done to deserve the evil doings of my x and his parents. people i had never harmed nor hurt. people that i loved and just wanted to make them proud of me. people that wanted to rub me out of my childrens life. didnt they see that they were only doing harm to themselves in the long run. the children started to loathe them long before they were ripped from me. and there i was the never ending fount of forgiveness telling the boys people make mistakes and we forgive. trying to repair the inevitable damage that they were causing. 

as hard as it was i just kept thinking it cant end this way. karma has to come full circle.

at last it has. my x is going to prison for sure (he just couldnt stop the drinking and driving) he's facing 10 years (aggrivated dui's).  i get my kids back and i got my house and i have this new life growing inside me that i already love and cherish.

the father of the baby had a car accident and has passed. its truly sad for his family. and i wish them all the peace they deserve, but god has a plan even if we cant see it when we are hurting.

to all of you out there going through hard and painful times it will get better. the more good you do for others is key. even when you have nothing you have love, and time to share with someone who needs it. thats the only thing that i found peace in. the desire to help others even when i had nothing i shared whatever i had. and sometime its nothing more than giving away the watch you are wearing to the little girl in the line in front of you that declares how much she likes your skirt.  or having a favorite pair of earrings and a friend asking to buy them from you and you give them to her (not for money)but for the simple reason it made her happy. i learned along time ago that material possessions are only that and favorite things come and go but the happiness you bestowed apon a person will stay with you a life time. and that is worth so much more than an $11000 21 jewel swiss watch that you exchange to an underprivileged 15 yr old for a research paper about the watch. i knew when i gave him that watch that i was giving money up (but i only paid $4 for it) and knowing that this kid who had nothing was going to wear that watch to school the next day and for once he was going to feel the confidence that every child should feel every single day. i felt great about that decision after all he worked for it. he went home researched the history of it, wrote up a paper and presented it to me in lieu of payment. what a fine trade that was.

im getting carried away but my point being no matter how little you have you always have enough to give.  take it from me ive had everything, lost it all  and even though im not monetarily rich im the wealthiest person i know. and im grateful.

have a wonderful evening 

what a releif to hear you were able to get some food.  i dont know if you read my last correspondence. basically i was offering you a job. its easy to do and do from home. i also have the items that can accomodate your daughter. i would need to know what size she is clothes undergarmets and shoes. whats the weather like there. for clothes and shoes.

if i dont hear from you ill assume (which i hate to do) that you declined.

i can help. there are a few possibilities here. 

1. she can call me and i can troubleshoot this with her.

2. she can send to me and i can fix and upgrade if i have what she needs.

3. i might be able to furnish her with an alternate (which i have already purchased for the abused children shelter-they need them to do homework on) im still in process of repairing and upgrading and getting os's on them  from windows mac ubuntu  this only as a last resort 

my degree is in it, administration and networking.

let me know if shes willing to start at 1 

i cant stop wondering if i was wrong my whole life. that if there is no such thing as karma and what you give isnt necessarily what youll get back. that you have to look out for yourself and do anything to get what you want.

could the one rule i live by be the very thing that im doing wrong. i  treat people the way i want to be treated in every single circumstance regardless of what they do to me. but we can see that hasnt gotten me very far.

i dont know maybe i need to rethink m whole way of thinking 

its very late and im very tired. but i cant laydown anymore when i do all i do is remember what bed time use to be like. no i just wear myself out until i pass out from exhaustion. i will take a hot shower and sometimes that relaxes me enough to close my eyes and not cry myself to sleep.

  when i first came to this website i was distraught and i felt alone. im still alone but no longer distraught. i had just found out i was pregnant and soon to be 40. i am divorced and have no boyfriend. the father has recently died in a car accident and have been struggling with a very difficult x and extremely controlling and medalsome in-laws. they think that the 3 children i gave birth to and raised without their help are theirs and they have more rights to them then i do. they have done everything to rub me out of my boys lives. they are just vindictive and mean.